


You Can Sell Me the World

by Zupsgirl1 (Fraulein_Zupan)



Series: Victuuri Silliness [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Crushes, Drabble Collection, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Guess the infomercial products described, Humor, Infomercials, Infomerical au, M/M, Pining Katsuki Yuuri, Pitchman Victor, Prayer circle for Yuuri's wallet, Sexual Humor, Yuuri is still a skater, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-07-20 20:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16144457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fraulein_Zupan/pseuds/Zupsgirl1
Summary: Yuuri has a problem. It was all thanks to America and their damn late-night infomercials. If it wasn’t for there being nothing else of interest on television after two a.m., when the night owls of the world like Yuuri were still awake, then he wouldn’t be finding himself in this current situation.Said situation being Yuuri standing in line, clutching his treasured A-Wow-ZingTMMop against his chest, nervously waiting for his turn to meet and get Victor Nikiforov’s autograph.~~~~~~Yuuri develops a crush on the gorgeous infomercial pitchman gracing his tv late at night, and can’t keep himself from watching and buying the goods he’s selling.





	1. Wonder Shammy

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with some more silliness! I've been playing around with this idea for a little while now, and have finally decided to post it after being encouraged by some friends, so this is for them! Originally I planned on this being a long one-shot, but instead I'm going to post these as short drabbles. Enjoy!

Yuuri has a problem. It was all thanks to America and their damn late-night infomercials. If it wasn’t for there being nothing else of interest on television after two a.m., when the night owls of the world like Yuuri were still awake, then he wouldn’t be finding himself in this current situation.

 

Said situation being Yuuri standing in line, clutching his treasured A-Wow-ZingTM Mop against his chest, nervously waiting for his turn to meet and get Victor Nikiforov’s autograph.

  
~~~~~~

 How it all began…

 

Yuuri moved to Detroit from Japan five years ago to continue his figure skating career under the training of Coach Celestino Cialdini, while also completing his university degree. His rigorous schedule, which includes training, traveling and competing, often finds Yuuri squeezing in study time late at night. Usually this suits Yuuri just fine, since he has always been one who prefers staying up late, however it does make the days when he needs to wake up early quite unpleasant.

 

Yuuri was studying in his bedroom one night so as to not disturb his roommate Phichit, another competitive skater, when he first heard it — the smooth cadence of an accented voice emitting from the tiny speakers of the small television he kept on for background noise. A shiver ran down Yuuri’s spine, and he turned to see who was attached to the sexiest voice he has ever heard, only to find out it belonged to the most gorgeous man he had ever seen. Yuuri’s jaw practically hit the floor and he immediately felt hot all over. He was pretty sure a certain lower extremity also twitched in response to the sight before him.

 

Yuuri continued to watch with rapt attention, mesmerized by the man’s sharp features, a jaw he could cut marble on, short shining platinum hair (despite not looking much older than mid-twenties) with side bangs that swished and swooped with every move over his bright aquamarine eyes. The man had to be a model, Yuuri surmised, finally taking note that the program was in fact actually an infomercial where the man was selling what looked to be some sort of cleaning cloth. He was demonstrating how it could quickly clean up the various liquids he had spilled over the surfaces in front of him, such as water on the table or cola poured onto a piece of carpet. Briefly, Yuuri imagined that the cloth could come in handy cleaning up “other liquids” that he himself might spill, which would be entirely at the fault of the adonis gracing his TV, but he quickly tried to push those thoughts away.

 

 _“... Look how quickly it absorbs everything all up! Wow! You won’t find any other cloth that can do what this does, so do yourself a favor and order a Wonder Shammy_ _ TM _ _now before they’re gone. Believe me you won’t regret it!”_

 

Yuuri quickly finds the website displayed on the screen and buys three.

 

 


	2. A-Wow-Zing Mop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri spends a little more money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all the kudos and comments!

One night about a week after his first purchase, Yuuri is dozing off over his laptop, barely able to keep his eyes open while staring at the half finished paper he’d been writing, when the beautiful purr of Yuuri’s mystery dream man’s voice suddenly fills the room. His eyes snap open and he quickly turns around towards the television, just in time to see the man’s name flash across the bottom of the screen: Victor Nikiforov.

This time he’s peddling a mop, one that looks to be made up of the same material as the Wonder ShammyTM that Yuuri bought (and that works wonderfully he might add). The mop handle twists so as to wring it out easily, and looks like it can quickly clean up just about anything. On screen, Victor is currently making a huge mess on the floor, consisting of ketchup, mustard, chocolate pudding and... sand?! (what situation would one have to find themselves in to have made that sort of mess?), demonstrating how easily the mop picks it all up, leaving the floor completely spotless.

The best part of this particular infomercial, in Yuuri’s completely unbiased opinion of course, is that since it’s a mop demonstration, Yuuri is treated to full-body shots of Victor. The man looks tall and lean yet muscular under his tight polo shirt and slacks that hug his perfectly shaped ass.

“... We’ll give you not one, but two A-Wow-ZingTM mops, along with a set of three Wonder ShammysTM. All this would normally be a fifty dollar value, but for a limited time we’re giving it all to you for just twenty dollars. Wow!”

Huh. That really was a very good deal, one that Yuuri doesn’t think he should pass up. If it works as well as Victor said it did, then it was definitely worth it. Especially two mops for the price of one — maybe he could gift one to Celestino. Or you know, he could just keep both so he has one to use while the other is in the wash. Those detachable mop heads Victor is currently demonstrating are most certainly another perk.

Yuuri finishes watching Victor do his spiel, silently wishing he was the mop handle Victor was twisting his hands around, while he logs onto the website to place an order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi, I’m Zupsgirl1 on both [Tumblr](http://Zupsgirl1.tumblr.com) and Twitter [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JustUsThreeZs?lang=en)


	3. HydroClean

“Yuuri, why was a twelve liter bucket of HydroCleanTM just delivered to us?”

“It arrived already? Wow, their express shipping really _is_ fast! Oh, so yeah... I got a really good deal on it from a sale on TV that was only available for a limited time. We can use it for cleaning all sorts of stuff. We can use it on the couch, in the kitchen, to wash clothes - it even gets blood out!”

“Why would we ever have a need to clean bl- you know what? Nevermind, I’m better off not knowing. So you bought this off television?”

“Yeah. From one of those late night commercials that is more like a show because they’re about as long as one, and some even have a studio audience. They call them infomercials.”

“I thought all the stuff they sold was crap?” Phichit eyes the bucket of cleaner suspiciously.

“A lot of it is, but the stuff Victor sells really works! I ordered the shammy cloths and mops from him too!” Yuuri sighs, smiling at the thought of the beautiful man.

Phichit raises an eyebrow questioningly. “Victor? Who’s Victor?”

Yuuri realizes his slip-up too late. He doesn’t want to admit to his late-night television crush because… well it’s silly, isn’t it? Sure, a lot of people have celebrity crushes, but Victor really isn’t a celebrity right? He’s more like a glorified salesman. Or is he actually more famous than Yuuri was giving him credit for? Yuuri makes a mental note to do a search on the status of Victor’s popularity and whether there are any fan clubs to join.

“Uhh… Victor Nikiforov. He’s the spokesman who demonstrates the products in the show. He’s very honest and would never sell stuff that didn’t work or do what he said it would do.” Yuuri crosses his arms and huffs.

“Mm-hmm, right. Well... I suppose the stuff you have bought recently _has_ been pretty useful. Just be careful that you’re not spending too much, Yuuri. I just would hate for you to waste money on something that winds up being a piece of junk.” Phichit turns and heads down the hallway towards his room.

“Thanks for the concern, but it’s only been a few things for cleaning the apartment. I wouldn’t buy something frivolous.” Yuuri calls after him before lugging the bucket of HydroCleanTM into the kitchen. The refrigerator definitely was due for a good scrubbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure Phichit is sensing there's more to why Yuuri is buying things from Victor, don't you? You should really listen to your best friend though Yuuri, and not buy anything frivolous.


	4. Jym Jeans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember Yuuri told Phichit he wouldn't buy anything frivolous...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is ridiculous. Yuuri is ridiculous. I apologize for nothing. :)

Jym JeansTM are not a frivolous purchase.

They are an incredibly comfortable pair of pants that look like you’re wearing jeans, but feel as if your legs are wrapped in soft warm cottony fleece, perfect for harsh Detroit winters. They can be worn as pajamas, for lounging around the apartment, or even to the gym, although Yuuri honestly does think that would look a bit silly. They are quite stylish though, and even if he thinks they don’t look nearly as good on him as they did on Victor — cupping that fine ass and shapely thighs as he strutted around his soundstage demonstrating their versatility — Yuuri can at least admit that they do feel very nice and hug his own thighs in all the right places. He dared to wear them out to Costco one time, receiving quite a few stares that he’s pretty sure were ones of appreciation, and even scored some extra snacks from the sample carts.

(For some reason the same employee happened to be at every sample cart Yuuri passed while he perused the aisles — he felt bad that the poor guy had to quickly jump from place to place just so Yuuri could sample the day’s delectables. Couldn’t the store hire any additional help? They were obviously very short-staffed. Maybe he should make a suggestion to the manager next time needs to restock on cases of protein bars and toilet paper.)

The pants also have another benefit. The images of Victor wearing them still burned into his brain provide Yuuri with some new fantasy material — thoughts of him and Victor together for a quiet evening, relaxing on the couch watching movies and wearing their matching Jym JeansTM. As the night wears on, the movie becomes forgotten as they slowly start caressing their hands up and down each other legs, the soft cotton of the pants only a thin barrier between them…

Yup, these are most definitely worth every cent.


	5. Ginsu(TM) Cutlery

Yuuri is confused by the set of GinsuTM cutlery.

“ _These knives are made from the finest steel in Japan and handcrafted by master Japanese swordsmen. They are so sharp that they can cut through virtually anything. You can slice through a nail, a metal can, even this rubber tubing, and then still cut your vegetables as thin as paper! Wow!_ ”

First of all, Yuuri has never heard the word Ginsu before, and being born and raised in Japan he is pretty damn confident in the knowledge that it was made up. Yuuri also has his doubts that these things are being actually forged by master Japanese swordsmen wasting their skills creating knives for the American public.

His other point of contention lay with the knives themselves. Aren’t all knives that sharp? Not that Yuuri ever saw himself in a situation where he would need to slice through a nail or can, but he supposes one never knew. It’s just that the knives his mom have in her kitchen back home at the onsen looked very similar to these and were extremely sharp. Yuuri should know — when he was eleven, he once had a craving for katsudon in the middle of the night, and since no one else had been awake, he attempted to make some on his own. Unfortunately his hand slipped while cutting up the pork cutlet and he gashed himself, the bleeding bad enough that he needed to wake Mari and ask her to help patch up his finger. Come to think of it, too bad he hadn’t had any HydroCleanTM back then to clean up the blood.

So yeah, Yuuri is just a little perturbed that Victor seems to peddling something with a pitch that isn’t quite on the up and up. However, he reasons that Victor doesn’t actually make the products himself, he’s only selling them and probably just relaying the information told to him. It’s entirely possible he just doesn’t know the truth. Yuuri vows that if he is ever lucky enough to have a chance to meet Victor, he’ll just nicely let him know the truth — and maybe that he should fire the people supplying him with false information. In the meantime however, he and Phichit can use a nice set of knives, even if they really aren’t from Japan.

When Yuuri receives the set five days later, he notices the box says “Manufactured in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice that I kept the actual name of this product. Based on my research, the name Ginsu was really made up and made in Walnut Creek, AK.
> 
> Come say hi, I’m Zupsgirl1 on both [Tumblr](http://Zupsgirl1.tumblr.com) and Twitter [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JustUsThreeZs?lang=en)


	6. Wobble Weight: Workout Week Day 1

Yuuri must have died and his soul has ascended. He somehow has done something right and pleased the gods. It’s the only possible explanation for the blessing which has been bestowed in front of him at one o’clock in the morning. Well, it is possible that he’s dreaming, but Yuuri can’t believe that even in his wildest fantasies he could ever have imagined this image.

Apparently this week on ‘Victor’s Values’ — Yuuri finally found out the other night that Victor’s infomercial has an official name and time slot — it’s ‘Workout Week’, meaning that all the products featured are exercise related.

Tonight’s product is something called the Wobble WeightTM, and _holy shit_ does this thing look… _obscene_. There’s honestly no other way to put it. The thing looks like a dumbbell, but instead of using it like you would normal free weights, you’re supposed to grasp and hold it vertically in front of your chest with two hands, arms bent, and then shake it up and down, _supposedly_ working out your biceps and triceps. Yuuri really is doubtful on how effective this device actually is, especially since being a competitive athlete he does know at least a thing or two about strength training.

Victor is currently demonstrating the product while wearing tight leggings and a loose-fitting tank top. His beautifully sculpted arms are on display as he holds the weight up, shaking it at a rapid pace. A slight sheen of sweat is glistening off Victor’s forehead, and Yuuri wishes he could just reach through his television and help wipe it off for him — he’s got enough Wonder ShammysTM to get the job done.

_“... It’s just so simple! Wobble your way to wonderfully sculpted arms. Wow, I can really feel the burn folks - but you’ll just have to try it out for yourself to believe it. Tonight’s special price, only available while supplies last, is just $35.99. Hurry up and get your orders in because I assure you these wobbles won’t wait! Wow!”_

Yuuri keeps staring at the screen, still not quite believing what he’s watching. The motion used to move the weight reminds him a bit too much of another particular activity — one Yuuri is _very_ familiar with, even more so since discovering Victor’s show. In fact, Yuuri now has a lot more mental material for tonight’s… uh, _workout session_.

After Victor’s very thorough demonstration, Yuuri finally tears his eyes away from the screen and turns back to his laptop. Opening his bookmark for the website to place an order, he shrugs and decides why the hell not? Despite his doubts on the validity of the product claims, he figures he can try and see for himself how it works. At the very least it might improve his wrist strength enough so it can match his… ahem, stamina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi, I’m Zupsgirl1 on [Tumblr](http://Zupsgirl1.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JustUsThreeZs?lang=en). Also since all this craziness with Tumblr is going on, I'm now also on [pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/Zupsgirl1) and [Dreamwidth](https://zupsgirl-1.dreamwidth.org/)


	7. Glut Maxer: Workout Week Day 2

Yuuri is starting to get concerned over his well-being and ability to survive ‘Workout Week’. 

Victor is back at it the following evening with The Glut MaxerTM, another small exercise product, but this one is designed for getting your thighs and buttocks in shape. On screen, Victor is demonstrating how it works while wearing skin-tight spandex shorts and t-shirt with a very deep v-neck, showing off his collarbones and the top of his toned chest. Yuuri wants to run his tongue along the lines and planes of that chest and use his mouth to mark up that pale, smooth skin. 

Currently, Victor is sitting down on a couch, squeezing the contraption between his thighs, trying to show the audience how easy it is to work out in the comfort of your own home, his muscles flexing each time he fights to close his legs against the tension. Yuuri sits and watches, bug-eyed and biting on his knuckles, wishing those firm tight thighs were put to better use by squeezing around his head instead.

Yuuri does a lot of leg presses at the gym, and of course skating keep his legs in great shape, but he wonders if there’s really any harm in trying this out? He can use it when he’s sitting at his desk and writing research papers, or while relaxing and playing video games. It could probably help him build up even more thigh strength, which he could use since he’s been practicing some more difficult moves in pole class 

(It’s a great workout, ok? A fellow competitor that he’s been friendly with since juniors introduced him to it. And no, he’s definitely not keeping it up on the off-chance that he’ll meet Victor one day and can offer him a private show. Not at all.) 

_“Wow, amazing! See how easy it is to get beautifully sculpted legs and thighs? This can even help tone your derriere… especially if you’re someone like me who's backside has not been getting as much of a workout lately.”_

Victor then unexpectedly clears his throat and a light pink blush spread across his nose, noticeable to Yuuri even through his small television screen. He watches, amazed and a bit stunned, for he thinks this is the first time he’s actually seen Victor look anything but his usual charming, charismatic, and confident self. However, Yuuri’s brain screeches to a halt suddenly, as the words Victor just spoke actually register — did he just inadvertently admit on national television that he… hasn’t been laid in some time?

Yuuri’s heart skips a beat and the smallest sliver of hope begins to simmer beneath the surface, even if he knows deep down that he shouldn’t allow himself the thought. The chances of ever meeting Victor are so slim, and even if they did meet, there’s no way someone that like would be interested in someone like Yuuri. Victor is everything — gorgeous, charming, well put together — and Yuuri is… well, just Yuuri. A dime a dozen skater from Japan that on his best days is just one step above a complete disaster. 

No, he can’t do this to himself, shouldn’t entertain this idea lest it becomes too big of a pipe dream. Yuuri quickly extinguishes that tiny spark of hope and turns back to his computer, clicking on his bookmark for ‘Victor’s Values’ online store. He continues listening to Victor’s deep and soothing voice in the background as he sighs dreamily and adds The Glut MaxerTM to his shopping cart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, a little slip from Victor there. Should Yuuri get his hopes up?
> 
> Here is the product and [commercial](https://youtu.be/4qSYbRSgyPI) that inspired this one. I can't tell you how many times I saw this commercial growing up!

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my other YOI works on ao3, including my Princess Bride/Robin Hood: Men in Tights inspired WIP, "It's Inconceivable: Victor in Tights" and my Handyman/Apartment Super Yuuri au, "If you need fixing, I'm the one to call": [Zupsgirl1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fraulein_Zupan/pseuds/Zupsgirl1)


End file.
